One Drunken Mistake
by Cats070911
Summary: Barbara regrets a night of drunken passion and is too embarrassed to face Tommy, afraid her actions will ruin their friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** Another tale using the characters of Elizabeth George and the BBC.

* * *

Barbara Havers always regretted drinking too much but this morning as she woke to the syncopated clatter of a thousand jackhammers in her head she vowed never to touch alcohol again. She lay not daring to move, knowing that even the slightest twitch would hurt. Warily she opened one eye to surreptitiously peep at the day. Light streamed in past open curtains to say it was well past dawn. She grimaced at the light but reeled in shock at what it revealed. Both eyes shot open to survey a room she did not know. The curtains were richly patterned and neatly hung and the walls shimmered with a silvery motif that set of the dark timber furniture. Panic set in as she realised that there was a warm masculine body curled up under the soft silky sheets. An arm was draped carelessly over her naked midriff.

It all started to flood back and she wanted to die. She slowly turned her head to be sure and the sight of his dark wavy hair, which she had delighted in running her hands through last night, confirmed her worst fears. She had slept with Tommy Lynley. She closed her eyes in the vain hope it was all a nightmare, a ghoulish trick of her mind. This was going to be mortifyingly embarrassing for both of them. Not only did she have to work with him every day but he was her boss. If it ever got out she would be just another notch in the great Detective Inspector's belt, devoid of credibility. _Barbara you fool! What the hell were you thinking?_

That was the trouble she had not thought about it at all, she had just reacted. One minute everyone had been at Lafferty's party drinking and singing and the next she and Lynley had been in a cab with Winston. They dropped him off and as the cab pulled up at Lynley's house he had asked her in for a nightcap. It had been well after midnight but the night had seemed young. She did not fancy going home to her empty flat and it had been too easy to accept his invitation. They sat talking while they drank his best whiskey and when the background music changed to softer melodies he had pulled her to her feet and they had danced. She remembered being surprised but they were both intoxicated and feeling mellow and it had seemed such a logical thing to do. As the music had subtly changed to become slower and more romantic they had moved closer and closer and the dancing had become more of a gentle sway. The feel of his body so close had calmed her and excited her in equal measure and when he had kissed her it had been the most natural thing in the world.

Despite how awkward it was today the memory of last night was something to treasure. His kiss was so gentle and caring that all of her reason dropped away. The feel of his hands caressing her back, the touch of his lips on her neck, and the press of his body against her transformed years of unrequited love into a desire so urgent she had ripped his shirt in her eagerness. Shoes and belts and shirts must still lay strewn in a trail to the bedroom. Even drunk he had proved to be everything she had imagined him to be as a lover; tender and affectionate and talented. The first time had been lustful and bold. No one else had ever really bothered whether she enjoyed herself but Tommy had instinctively understood her body and satisfied needs she had not known she had. The second time had been more spiritual and Tommy had encouraged her to explore; the thought of it now sent shivers through her. By the third time she had actually cried out that she loved him. _Oh God, no! _She could never look at him again.

Tommy was awake but not game to move. He had not intended to take advantage of his drunken sergeant; he had simply wanted to spend more time with her. The music had been deliberate. He had wanted to dance with her, to feel her close to him. He had even wanted to kiss her but he had never expected that their repressed desires would be so consuming. It had been wonderful; far more beautiful than he had dreamt. She had responded to him with a passion Helen had never shown and when she had said that she loved him he had been in heaven. He had been a bit too intoxicated to show her the attention and finesse she deserved from a lover and he was annoyed with himself. He was tempted to make up for that now but he could tell from the way she had frozen when she had woken to find him beside her that she regretted what had happened. Disappointment prickled across his skin. He wanted her to want him as much as he wanted her; to love him as much as he loved her. He could wait. She had obviously enjoyed it as much as he had and she had said that she loved him but if she had not thought about a relationship with him she would need time to adjust and assess her feelings. He had an advantage; he been contemplating it for a long time but now he would take his cues from her and see where it led. He hoped it would not take her long. He feigned sleep and rolled over away from her, hoping she might snuggle up to him.

As soon as he seemed settled Barbara made her escape. She collected her clothes as she retraced her steps to his lounge room then dressed quickly and slipped out his door trying to close the lock as silently as possible. Tommy felt her leave his bed and heard the soft click of the door. He stood at his window and looked down as she hailed a cab. He ran his hand through his hair and swore savagely at his stupidity as he went for his shower. He should have made love to her again, in the light when they were almost sober, so that she understood it was not just a drunken mistake. He should have told her last night that he loved her instead of waiting until she had fallen asleep in his arms. They would need to talk.

* * *

Tommy arrived first to the office but he was still an hour later than normal. "Good morning Winston,' he said cheerily. Despite Barbara leaving he felt irrepressibly happy.

"Morning Sir. How come you're so cheery?"

Tommy looked at the bags under Nkata's eyes and the way he was holding his head. "I enjoyed last night much more than I had anticipated and I think I must use a better hangover cure."

Winston screwed up his face in pain at the reminder of his hangover then asked, "Have you seen the Sergeant? It's not like her to be so late."

"Not yet. I think she had a good night too. Send her in when she arrives please." Tommy could not help smiling as he walked into his office leaving a slightly suspicious Winston sitting at his desk.

Barbara snuck in hoping not to make a fuss. Winston had gone for coffee and she busied herself with paperwork. When he returned he hovered around her desk, fiddling with her papers while he waited for her to talk to him. "Hi Winston. What are you up to?"

"Nothing. The DI seems very chipper this morning. Did you get home all right last night?"

"Yes thank you." Barbara could feel her face redden. She did not need Radio Winston to find out or even suspect.

"Come on," he fished, "there's something you're not saying and he wants to see you as soon as you get in."

"Well he can wait until I'm finished this stuff. It is his paperwork after all."

"Suit yourself," Winston said smugly, "he wouldn't act so happy and you so grumpy unless something interesting happened."

"Nothing happened Winston. Everyone had a bit too much to drink and we are all hungover. People handle it differently that's all."

She avoided facing Lynley as long as she could so had leapt at the chance to assist with the interview of a robbery suspect. It gave her an excuse to not see him and took her mind off last night. She hoped that if enough time passed before she saw him they would just be able to laugh about how drunk they had been and how it meant nothing. Hopefully then they could move on. She knew him well enough to know he would not tell anyone. It was never him that bragged about his conquests, and in fact she had often wondered if they were simply figments of gossipy minds. By mid-afternoon she had convinced herself that everything would be perfectly fine, then she walked around the corridor and straight into his path. Her confidence disappeared at the sight of him. He was talking to another officer but he smiled at her in such a way that her knees literally buckled.

"Good afternoon Sergeant Havers. I had hoped you would come and see me earlier."

"I...I was caught up Sir, I'll catch you later," she said quickly as she dashed into the ladies bathroom. Fearful that someone might come in she locked herself in a cubicle to think. Seeing him had been far harder than she had imagined. Her heart was racing and her thoughts were jumbled. Her instinct was to run to him and bury herself in his arms and hold on forever but it was unrealistic. At best it would be a bit of a fling. Last night he had made her feel like a princess but she was far from the type of woman he deserved. Men like Lord Asherton did not form meaningful relationships with people like her. He needed a sophisticated woman, someone who could challenge him and be his equal. She had been correct this morning; she might never be able to face him again. She beat her head with her fists in frustration. Their friendship had been her mainstay and now the thought of losing it overwhelmed her. "Arghh!"

"Are you okay in there?" a constable from uniform branch asked.

Barbara had to laugh, the situation was pathetic. She was pathetic. "Yeah, sorry, the toilet roll is stuck again. Won't be long," she called back trying to sound as normal as possible.

She slunk back to her desk and grabbed her bag. "I'm not feeling too well Winston, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Take care yeah." His concern was etched into his frown.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just too much to drink last night and too much of a headache today. I don't want to be disturbed." Winston nodded sympathetically. He too would leave as soon as he could.

A little before five Lynley came to find her. She could not keep running from him forever. He would take her to dinner at the pub and they could talk and hopefully he could take her home and show her how much he loved her. This time he would tell her and make sure she understood that last night was the start of something wonderful. "Where's Havers?"

"Ah…she left early Sir," Winston said, "I think her head was killing her. She hasn't been herself all day."

"Thanks. I'll give her a call and see how she is."

"I don't think she wants that Sir," Winston said cautiously, "she said she didn't want to be disturbed."

Tommy nodded and returned to his office. The longer this went on the harder it would be for both of them. He understood she was embarrassed but she had no reason to be. Again he berated himself for leaving her to fret and overthink it. He should have said something as soon as she came in to work. He grabbed his coat from the hook and headed for his car rehearsing what he would say when he arrived at her flat.


	2. Chapter 2

The walk to the Tube station seemed longer than normal and the thought of jostling crowds and the jerky swing of the train made her regret last night even more. Barbara had been too upset to drive to work but now wished she had her car. How had life become so messy? Yesterday the world had order; everyone knew their place and was happy, then she made one drunken mistake. She could not help but feel that she had crossed a line and unleashed all manner of vicious hellhounds that would chase her forever. She shook her head at the irony that the one person she wanted to talk to right now was the one person she could not face. She would go home and have a long shower and think about what to do. She would have to face Tommy at some point but she would need to have her damage minimisation speech prepared. She might not be able to have him as her lover but she needed him as her friend.

As she approached the pub she noticed a familiar bike pull up. She sighed and hoped Stuart Lafferty had not noticed her. It was his party that started all this drama.

"Barbara, wait up," he called after her as she strode purposefully past him, "fancy a quick pint?"

"Oh, hi Stuart, sorry I was somewhere else," she lied, "nah, I should get home. It was a late night last night and I'm pretty tired." She was trying to sound upbeat but she could hear the sadness in her voice.

Stuart was concerned. He had seen Barbara hungover before but this was different. He had expected she would have been on top of the world. "Must be to knock off early. Come on one won't hurt and we can have a bit of a chat."

She paused; actually it might do her good. "One only right?"

Stuart bought the first round while Barbara found a quiet table near the back of the room away from the noise of the bar.

"Hair of the dog eh," Stuart said as they clinked glasses.

"Yeah I have a splitting headache."

"It was a good night. I still have heaps of cleaning to do before my wife gets back next week. It was worth it though."

"Hmmm."

"You don't sound convinced."

"Yeah sorry, it was a fun night. I just enjoyed it a bit too much."

"Funny, for someone who says they enjoyed themselves you seem pretty miserable now. Lynley seemed to enjoy himself too. Good to see him come out of his shell a bit. How long is it now? Nearly twelve months?"

"Closer to fourteen." Barbara knew Tommy still struggled with the death of his wife Helen but Stuart was right, he was getting better. It had not seemed to bother him last night.

"So do you want to tell me what happened? I thought you would be over the moon."

Barbara looked at him, her mouth open in shock. "What do you mean?"

"Last night the sexual tension between you and Lynley was intense Barbara. If it could power the grid you would have lit up London for a week! So I figured you two might finally put yourselves out your misery. Everybody's been expecting it for months."

Barbara put her head in her hands, her palms covering her eyes in the hope that it might stop her tears from streaming out. "Oh, how embarrassing. Do people really think that?"

"Yeah, but it okay Barbara. Everyone will be happy for you both, even Hillier I think." If it was just embarrassment then he could help her to understand that they did not have to be afraid of people's reactions.

It only got worse. "Hillier? You think he…suspects?"

Stuart laughed. "Of course. It is hard to miss, the way you two look at each other." For the first time in the conversation he stopped to look at Barbara and saw the distress on her face. It had obviously not gone well. "Look, I'm sorry I shouldn't've said anything. I gather it didn't go well then?"

There was little point in pretending and Barbara needed to tell someone, it may as well be Stuart. "We made a terrible mistake and I think I'll lose my best friend." Her eyes filled with tears and she tried hard not to blink and let them fall.

"It couldn't have been that bad could it? Perhaps you were both just too drunk. Men have problems with control when they drink too much, it might be better next time."

"It wasn't like that," Barbara said wistfully, "quite the opposite actually. It was magnificent. Tommy was incredible." She swallowed hard at the thought as wave of longing surged through her.

"I'm not seeing the problem."

"The problem Stuart is that it was the most wonderful night of my life and I told him I loved him."

"And?" Stuart was probing but did not want to guess at the issue; his success rate in this conversation was poor.

"He never said it back. To him it was obviously just a one night stand or something but to me it was everything. How can I face him knowing that?" Barbara took a huge gulp of her beer. Suddenly the idea of becoming very drunk had enormous appeal.

"But you don't know that really do you? Is that what he said?"

"No, we haven't discussed it but people like him don't fall in love with people like me."

Stuart took another sip from his glass and wondered what he could say to help. "Well he fooled me then because he does a pretty good job of imitating it."

"Nah, that's just us being friends. But that's what I'm afraid of, now that we've crossed that line, and after what I said we can't go back to that. I've lost the one thing that keeps me sane. I couldn't even face him today."

"You need to talk to him Barbara. I'm sure things are not what you think."

"Buy me another drink Stuart please. I'd like to get very, very drunk."

"Nah, not here. How are you going to get home? Let me take you now."

"I don't want to be alone in my flat. What if he comes around?'

"Then you might sort things out!"

"No, I can't, not yet." Barbara stood to leave. She knew a pub near her place that would be the perfect place to wallow.

"Then come home with me. It's always better to drown your miseries with a friend. I've got plenty left over from last night so we can get as drunk as you like. You can sleep in the kids' room."

Barbara smiled at him. "Thanks Stuart. Promise me you won't tell Winston or anyone what I told you." He smiled and nodded and wondered why these two had to make life so hard for themselves.

* * *

Tommy rehearsed his speech in the car but in the end it came down to three simple words. He bounded up the path to her door but her flat was in darkness and the door did not open to his incessant knocking. Her car was parked nearby so she must be home. After a few minutes of waiting and knocking he realised that she had probably caught the Tube. That would explain why she was not home yet. He glanced at his watch and then sat on her step to wait. He checked his watch regularly but the hand barely moved. After an hour he started to pace up and down the street. The sun was disappearing behind the buildings leaving long cold shadows that only intensified his growing sense of dread. Something was wrong. She had not come directly home and he wondered where she would have gone. He rang his neighbour hopeful that she was sitting waiting forlornly on his step while he waited here for her. Sadly there was no one at his door. He thought about leaving to look for her but where would he go? In desperation he rang Winston but he had not heard from her since she had left the station.

So he paced and he waited. He tried to ring her mobile but she did not answer. He left voicemails and tried to text her but she never returned his messages. So he waited and he paced and he worried. By two o'clock it was clear she was not coming home. Tommy was unsure what to think as he drove slowly back to his house hoping to see her on the streets. A street girl waved to him and he sped off horrified that she had thought he was trawling for company.

He slammed his door and threw his coat onto the back of his sofa. This time last night he had been contented and full of hope but as he poured a large scotch he felt cold and abandoned. He could not understand her. They could be here now happy and planning their lives together. He drained another whiskey then went to bed. He lay where she had been and buried his head in the sheets and pillows searching for her scent. No one had ever made love to him like Barbara had; it had not been physical at all, she had reached in and touched his soul. He knew in that moment what he had been denying for years; she was the only woman he could ever truly love. It had been the same for her; he had seen it in her eyes. He could understand how overpowering that discovery had been for her but to run away was not the answer. He tried her phone one more time. This time he heard the click as it was answered. "Barbara, thank goodness, it's Tommy where are you?"

Barbara was in fact passed out on the sofa in Stuart's lounge room having cried herself to sleep in his arms. He was protective of Barbara because he had seen how she had picked up the pieces for Lynley time and time again without complaint or expectation. Now when they finally had a chance to be happy Lynley had been too stupid to just say what had to be said. Lafferty was inebriated and short-tempered and he was angry at Lynley for what he was doing to Barbara. The DI was intelligent and perceptive about criminals but when it came to women he was hopeless. A woman like Barbara did not give her soul to someone easily and Tommy should have known that. If he did not love her he should have stopped before he ruined everything or if he did love he should have told her. Lafferty would tie him to his table and autopsy him alive if this really was only a fling.

Her phone lay at an angle on Stuart's kitchen bench. It had rung on and off all night but the only sign was the flashing light and buzzing as it vibrated around the bench. Stuart saw it move out of the corner of his eye as he poured a glass of milk from the fridge. Barbara had not wanted to talk to Lynley but as Lynley's face flashed on the screen Stuart, without thinking, answered to tell him to come over and sort it out. "Lynley, it's Stuart you should…" He was speaking to no one, Lynley had disconnected. Stuart fumed; he would tell Lynley exactly what he thought tomorrow.

Tommy threw the phone across the room. How could she? And with Lafferty! In those few seconds his world imploded. For months he had tried to cry and mourn after Helen had died but no tears had come. Now with the knowledge that Barbara had so easily betrayed their love he doubted his weeping would ever stop.


	3. Chapter 3

Dawn brought a drenching storm to London which seemed to absolve the city of its sins. Tommy stood at his bedroom window and looked out at the world. The new day brought him a fresh perspective. He had spent months trapped inside his own thoughts but just as the rain had cleansed the streets his own deluge of tears had washed away his self-pity and recriminations to give him a clarity of mind that he had not had since before Helen died. A woman bustled past his house adjusting the collar of her coat to protect her neck from the chilling breeze. A man pulled his reluctant dog along the footpath opposite and for the first time ever Tommy noticed the acorn shaped pier caps on the black iron fencing of his neighbour's house. He was ready for life again. He had hoped it would have been with Barbara but her actions had made his decision easy and there was no room for regret. He walked with purpose as he went to shave and as Tommy stood under the shower and let the steaming water run over his tired muscles he steeled himself for the day ahead.

By contrast Barbara's morning had no insight and no purpose. She had swallowed a handful of aspirin and Vitamin B with what felt like a gallon of water. Stuart had called her a cab and now she was alone at her flat, shivering uncontrollably under a cold shower trying to sober up as much as possible. Last night had been another drunken mistake; she should have come home and been here when Tommy came to visit. She felt so guilty she had not even been able to listen to his messages. She rubbed her hands up and down over her face wondering what to do. The fact that he had waited by her door for over eight hours told her what she could not bring herself to believe yesterday. Stuart had told her about the call last night and she feared what conclusions Tommy might have formed. She needed to talk to him urgently today but the thought of any confrontation made her head throb. Nothing was going to be straightforward and she flicked on the hot water in the vain hope that it might make her feel better.

When Barbara arrived at the station she went straight to see Lynley. His office was empty but his coat was on the hook and his computer was switched on. "Have you seen the DI?" She asked Winston.

"He's in with Hillier," he replied before he looked up and saw her. "What happened to you? You look like the body we pulled from the canal last week!"

"Ta! Nice to see you too."

"Sorry but seriously, you look worse than yesterday." Nkata dropped any attempts at humour.

"I'll buy you a new shovel yeah? This one doesn't seem to dig holes fast enough for you." Her voice was full of rancor.

He was concerned for her. "Are you okay Barbara?"

"It's my own fault. I'll be fine." She sat down and started flicking through her files.

Barbara waited all morning for Tommy to return and at lunchtime made an excuse to see Hillier to find out what was going on. "Ah good, Sergeant Havers, I should thank you," the Assistant Commissioner said as she entered his office.

"Sorry Sir?"

"For finally getting DI Lynley to accept promotion of course. He said you had convinced him that it was best for everyone." Her face fell despite her attempts to cover it and Hillier realised Lynley had not told her yet. "I thought that was why you came to see me, to talk about which SIO I should attach you too. It's a shame in one way I suppose, you certainly made each other. Still, life moves on."

"Yes, Sir. He deserves it. We both need a change." She had no idea whether or not she sounded convincing and she did not care. Life as she knew it had just ended and her worst fear had come true. She tried to listen to Hillier talk about her career options but that was the last thing on her mind.

"Where is DI Lynley Sir? I'd like to congratulate him."

"He took the morning off to organize a few things. He should be back later."

Barbara excused herself and went outside to collect herself. She collapsed back against the brick and closed her eyes to stop the world from spinning. In less than two days she had experienced her ultimate high and now possibly her deepest low. Even though she had given them up, she longed for a cigarette to calm her nerves. She felt as if she was trapped on one of those cheap wooden roller coasters that they had on seaside piers where it threatened to break it apart every time your steel car hurtled through a dip or a curve.

Tommy saw her leaning pathetically against the wall. Even from that distance he could tell she was hungover. He knew he had no moral high ground on that one but even so the sight of her like that disgusted him. _How did I ever think it would work with her?_

She opened her eyes to see him disappear back into the building. He must have walked straight past her without a word. She wanted to hurry after him but hesitated then paced around deciding what to say. _I'm sorry that I was such an idiot yesterday but I love you so don't take your promotion._ Hardly. _Tommy, I'm sorry, I love you. Let's go home and I'll show you how much._ That was much closer to what she felt but sadly inappropriate. She sighed and walked back to the door. She would just have to improvise.

From his office window he could see her wandering back and forth across the yard. A softness started to creep across his heart so he sat down and buried it back under his hurt and determination. Slightly later there was a knock on his door and he knew who it would be. He just had to hold firm for a few minutes.

"Come in Havers."

She came in sheepishly and closed the door. "I heard. Congratulations."

"Thank you." He had not looked at her and continued to stare at his computer.

"I thought we should talk."

"Yesterday was the time to talk Havers. Now we have nothing to say. Good luck with everything."

"What? That's it after all these years? After the other night?" Barbara had expected him to be annoyed but not cold and dismissive.

"I showed you what the future could be like but you ran from me straight into the arms of Lafferty and now you expect me to say all is forgiven? Well real life is not one of your soap operas Havers, real life has real people with real feelings. Real people who loved you more than life itself." Lynley was starting to let his anger show and he tried desperately to stay calm.

"I never slept with Stuart!" she shouted desperately.

Lynley pushed his chair back and came around to stand beside her. "I know that! If you had you'd never be able to face me. But you don't see it do you? You didn't have to sleep with him to betray our love. You should have run towards me, not away from me. You should want to seek solace in my arms, not his. You told me you loved me and I believed you. At that moment I felt so completely peaceful and I don't know how to describe it, balanced perhaps. But you didn't really mean it. You lied, to me and probably yourself. I don't think you even know the meaning of the word. Love binds, it doesn't divide. It gives you courage, not fear. It makes you want to hold on to it at all costs. I got that so wrong with Helen but with you I always thought you'd hold on tight and never let me go."

He was right next to her. He had given her the chance to cling to him, to show him she cared. Instead her response was low and almost detached. "You're wrong. I do know what love is and I love you so much it scares me. I did want to run towards you, I just didn't know how. You never said you loved me. I needed to hear that."

Any anger drained from him to be replaced with immeasurable heartache. "Over the years a look between us has conveyed everything, much better than words. I thought my love would have radiated like a bonfire and I didn't think 'I love you' was anywhere near adequate for what I felt. I was going to tell you yesterday morning but I thought you needed time to think. I was wrong, and I'm sorry but I spent all day yesterday trying to catch you so I could tell you. I waited on your front step for most of the night. I left you messages telling you but you ignored me and then drowned your sorrows with Lafferty. What sorrows were they exactly? Sorrow that we are so compatible that we were able to experience a joy that very few can? Sorrow that we allowed ourselves to open up completely to each other and be totally vulnerable knowing that the other would be our shield? Sorrow to touch a piece of heaven? Are they your sorrows or was it just great sex to you? Did you miss the the bit where we lost our individual identities and became one indivisible soul? Or did it scare you to find you could love someone so strongly? Well, what sorrows were they that only Stuart could mend?"

Tears ran in rivers down her face. She had no words to answer his passion and she knew she had hurt him Far beyond anything she had imagined.

"It's too late for tears Havers. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Did you listen to my messages?" She shook her head and Tommy sighed. "Well if you had you would have heard me say that if it was my title and fear of what that might mean that was scaring you I would pass the title to Peter and we could live quiet lives here in London. There's another one asking you to marry me. I'm not sure what else I could have done to prove to you I was serious and that I'd've done anything for you."

"Then why are you pushing me away now? If love makes you hang on at all costs then fight for us."

"I can't have another relationship that fails because I love someone so much more than they love me. I believed this was different, I really did, but you ran away Barbara. You ran away from me and from my love. Loving someone gives you strength to overcome anything but you can't ask me to fight when you weren't prepared to even face me. You didn't love me enough Barbara. I wish it was different but we made a mistake; one drunken mistake."

He was wrong, Barbara loved him just as fiercely as he loved her but she had no answer to his accusations, no words to prove to him how she felt. She could feel his pain, as real as if her limbs were being hacked off one by one. An improbable but wondrous love had been within her grasp and she had been too scared to seize it. There was nothing she could think to do that would not hurt him more and she could not bear to cause him any more distress. "It was real wasn't it?" she asked softly.

"Yes." He could not look in her eyes for fear he would take her in his arms.

"I'm so sorry." She turned and walked towards the door. As she turned the handle she added, "I love you Tommy. Take care."

He watched the door close behind her through his tears. "I love you too Barbara."


	4. Chapter 4

It was only an excuse but Stuart Lafferty dropped in to the station to deliver his autopsy report on the canal body. He looked for Barbara to see how she was but could not find her. "Hi Winston, where's Barbara?"

"Not sure. She was in with Lynley for a while then headed out. She didn't say where she was going. She hasn't been herself since your party and neither has the DI. Something happened between them, something bad I think." Winston shook his head sadly. "Shame, I always thought they'd end up together."

Stuart ignored Winston's comments and held up the folder containing his report. "Well I might give this to Lynley directly then," he said as he walked towards Tommy's office. He knocked then entered, not waiting for a reply. He had intended to abuse Lynley for what he had done to Barbara but he was not prepared for the look of desolate wretchedness on Tommy's face. The red rimmed eyes stared at him with malice.

"What do you want Lafferty?"

"I came to drop this off but I also wanted to check on Barbara. She was pretty upset last night. I hoped you two would sort it out but it looks like your chat didn't go too well then?"

"No, it didn't. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do."

"Nothing happened, I swear. She just needed a friend."

"More than she needed me it seems. I don't blame you Stuart but I really don't want to be anywhere near you right now, so if you don't mind."

"I'll go but not until I say something. She was embarrassed about what happened and she was scared. Don't blame her for that."

"Not much basis for a relationship then was it if she was embarrassed and scared by me making love to her!" Tommy stood and walked to his window. He didn't want Lafferty to see how devastated he really was by the situation.

"Not that way. Everyone else could see it coming with you two but she had no idea. Can you imagine what it would be like to have the only man you've ever loved, one that you've been in love with for years, suddenly notice you as more than his colleague and friend? I think it overwhelmed her and in the morning she thought about all the other things that a relationship with you would mean and she panicked. She can't ever see you as equals; she can never see herself in your world. Barbara doesn't want to be just another Lynley conquest; she wants to be with you forever. I think she wished it had never happened because then she could have kept some part of you as her friend rather than have everything for one night and then lose you."

"That wasn't going to happen. I wanted to marry her, spend our lives together. I would gladly relinquish my title and money if that was the barrier. If there's one thing I've learned it's that love and happiness are the most important things."

"You can be an arrogant sod at times Lynley. She'd never ask or expect that. She'd never let you do it because it is part of you and without it you'd never really be the man she loves."

"If she really loved me nothing would matter."

Lafferty was angry with Lynley. "An infuriatingly arrogant sod! She'd sacrifice her life for you if it kept you safe or happy. She'd rather let you go, thinking she doesn't love you enough, than to risk that in some way one day she will let you down or that you will realise she can't be who you want her to be or worst of all, that you will stop loving her. If you really do love her, you have to find a way to convince her that you want her exactly as she is; that you don't need her to change."

"I don't want her to change and I'd never expect it. I didn't go into this blind. I know what the issues are and most of them can be avoided completely but I don't know what else I could've done. She knew what I felt was real and she chose to believe it couldn't work. She wasn't even prepared to talk about her doubts let alone be brave enough to try. We could have worked all that out together, but she ran away. I can't be in a relationship where I give everything I can and it isn't sufficient."

Stuart understood that what he had mistaken as arrogance was insecurity. Lynley was as broken and vulnerable as Barbara. It was only when they were together they had strength. "Now who's the one that's afraid? Relationships don't just happen, they take work and sacrifice. So what if you have to carry her for a while now? You've done it before and she has picked up the pieces of your life time after time over the years, without even a promise of reward. She's not perfect and neither are you but you two have something unique, a bond that the rest of us don't understand, one that nothing has broken yet and I doubt anything ever will. Alone you are nothing but together, together you two can conquer anything. Being in love is a risk but with the way you feel about each other do you really think it will fail?"

"It already has Stuart." Tommy closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair trying desperately to see a way forward.

"No, it hasn't. If it was possible for you to let her go then you wouldn't be acting like this would you? You can decide all you like not to take a chance in case you get hurt but you're not wired that way. Your heart will always rule your head Lynley and in case you hadn't noticed you're already suffering. There's a way out of this for both of you but no one can help you. Deep down you know what to do or what to say. Find it and do it or you'll regret it every day of your life." Stuart left him staring out the window. He almost felt sorry for him.

Tommy knew Lafferty was right and his resolve began to evaporate. He was scared, not of being together but of being apart. He knew he would go after her. He was always going to go after her because he needed her. He just had to find her and then find the key to convincing her. He spoke to Winston to see if he knew where she was but Winston had no idea. This time at least she was not with Lafferty. Her mobile was switched off but Tommy did not leave a message. This was something he needed to do face to face. He collected his coat from his office and asked Winston to ring him if he heard from Barbara. He doubted that she would be at her flat but it was the obvious place to start to look.

Barbara did not want to go back to her flat just yet. Being alone in a room was much lonelier than being alone in a crowd where at least you can see that life still goes on around you. She had been driving aimlessly around a drizzly London distracted from her thoughts by the colour of the city. The streets glistened silver as the lights of the cars reflected in the dotted puddles and sleeker patches of damp bitumen. She liked the streaks of taillight red and the blinking amber that broke up the melancholic gloom of late afternoon. Her wipers scraped grudgingly across the glass not wanting to disturb the comforting patina of the soft rain that cocooned her from the tangled knot of her life. She smiled unexpectedly as her conscious and unconscious thoughts merged. The rain reminded her of Tommy's touch, gentle and soothing and she was suddenly compelled to feel the rain on her skin. She hit her steering wheel with her hand and swore. Everything would have been fine if she had just stayed in that cab and gone home!

A car pulled out from the kerb in front of her and Barbara ducked her car quickly into the spot. As she stood on the footpath she started to laugh. She had not chosen the site, at least knowingly, perhaps it had chosen her. She walked up the hill looking out at the city. Inside the buildings thousands of people were living their lives oblivious to her or each other. They were all striving to cope; making mistakes, lying to themselves and hoping it would all work out in the end. She and Tommy were no different.

She sat where he had sat and thought about their conversation those months ago. She had gone there to support him, to let him know there was a world out there when he was ready. She had expected to be part of that world but had she subconsciously wanted to be that world? Had she been lying to herself? Had he seen through her? It had taken him more than a couple of minutes to find his new world but he had found her and he had been happy. She had seen it in his eyes; a serenity that she had never seen before, a peace that had matched her own. So why had she run? She closed her eyes in despair and let the rain settle on her skin.

The trip to her flat had, as he expected, been fruitless. Tommy knew she was not deliberately hiding from him but he also could not shake the view that if he found her he would not need fancy words. She had gone somewhere important to her to think. Simply understanding where she would be would tell her everything. He tried to think of places to look when he stopped. His mind would not lead him to her. It was his heart that would find her. He sat in his car and focussed only on the traffic as he drove. The rain was getting heavier and the light was almost gone. Large tarry clouds hung in the sky waiting to unleash their fury, not in the benevolent sanitising rain of the morning, but in a malignant barrage that would threaten to destroy him.

He sensed her car rather than saw it as he whizzed past. By a miracle there was a space a hundred yards up the road and he manoeuvred his car into it hoping that he had been right. He ran back and could see it was hers and relief washed over hm. The rain was easing and he smiled to himself as he ran up the hill. The path brought him in behind her and he watched her sitting on the bench in the spot she had found him. She had her face turned to the sky and was letting the rain wash away her tears.

He sat on the bench trying not to disturb her. After a minute she looked across. Her mouth was straight but her eyes were smiling. "What are you doing here?" she asked astounded to see him.

"I asked you that once. Do you remember what you said?"

"That I was just letting you know there was a world out there when you were ready."

Tommy slid up the seat towards her. "It was the only thing that anyone said that meant anything. You were the only one that completely understood, the only one that truly cared. We might be an unlikely duo but it works Barbara. We work together; two battered imperfect souls that merge into something beautiful. I knew then what I wanted; how this would end but I wasn't ready. I couldn't face all the complex emotions and guilt. I'm ready now Barbara and I can wait until you are too." The words had come to him effortlessly.

She did not answer him immediately and looked out at the city. The lights were twinkling and she thought of those thousands of people who might never have the chance to make their dreams reality. She sighed then looked at his eager face. "I think I'm ready."

Tommy beamed at her, his special Barbara-only grin that spoke of mischief and affection. "There is nothing we can't overcome together Barbara." He bent his face towards her and waited. Her lips brushed his gently and as they embraced. As their kiss deepened all her doubts fled; their tails between their legs.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I should have trusted you more."

"No, you should have trusted yourself more. It doesn't matter now. I am never going to let you go."

"You're going to have to," she said. Tommy moved back and looked at her alarmed. "We drove separate cars."

They both smirked and Tommy hugged her close. "Well then I'll have to race you. Come home with me Barbara."

She stood and started to run down the hill with Tommy in pursuit. They stopped at the bottom laughing, embracing, and kissing like teenager lovers. "I'll see you soon then," she said as they reached her car.

"Before I let you go I need to know your answer."

"To what?" Barbara was perplexed.

"Did you listen to your voicemails?"

"No," she said guiltily.

"Pass me your phone." He shook his head in mock annoyance.

She turned it on and dialled her mailbox then handed it to him. He listened and deleted several messages until he found the right one. "Here," he said handing it back to her.

Barbara put the phone to her ear still puzzled. _"Barbara, it's one o'clock in the morning and I'm sitting on your front step freezing. All I can think about is how much I desperately want to be with you. I can't imagine a day without you and I don't want to; I want to grow old with you if you'll let me. I know I'm not worthy of your love. I've been a fool for too many years but you're the only one that makes me laugh, the only one that makes me whole. I love everything about you, all your beauty and your glorious imperfections. When I looked into your eyes last night I knew that the only way my life will ever be complete is to have you beside me to share it. Will you marry me Barbara? Phone me back and tell me you will and make me the happiest man on Earth." _

Barbara stared at the phone dumbfounded then looked at Tommy. He fished around in the inside pocket of his coat. "I was serious then and I still want you to say yes." He opened the box and took out the ring and in answer to her questioning look said, "I decided this morning you needed proof so I bought it today. I thought our conversation would go differently."

"Oh Tommy, I should have listened to it. I'm so sorry I hurt you like that," she said contritely before smiling, "yes, I have no idea what I am getting into but yes, I want that very much."

Lynley smiled then kissed her in a way that bordered on public indecency. "Leave your car here, I'll have it towed. We have more important things to attend to and I'm not letting you out of my sight."


End file.
